blue flamingos

Last Kiss: Colby/Lorne

Fandom: Numbers/SGA

Category/Rated:

Year/Length: 2011/691 words

Pairing: Colby/Lorne

Disclaimer: No, I don't own them, for which I should think they're profoundly grateful.

Feedback: Yes please. Even if it's bad. Especially if it's bad.

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Colby's gotten used to Evan turning up randomly since he got out of the army, but Evan's usually either crashed out asleep in his bed, or in his kitchen cooking. He's not usually sitting straight-backed on Colby's couch, feet neatly on the floor as he stares straight ahead.

"You okay?" Colby asks. The FBI Academy acceptance letter is heavy in his hand, but this doesn't seem like the moment to share the good news.

"I'm being reassigned," Evan says, tipping his head slightly to look in Colby's direction. Colby hesitates, then sits on the arm of the couch, close enough that they could touch, though Evan doesn't.

"Okay. Can you tell me where?"

Evan shakes his head, which Colby was half-expecting. Evan's been with the Deep Space Telemetry Program for a couple of years, which they both know is a cover for something he can't talk about. "It's dangerous. I'm going to be – I don't know how often I'll be able to come back."

"Okay," Colby says again. According to his mom, this part gets easier. Right now, he'd settle for not feeling like he's been punched in the face every time it happens.

"Really dangerous," Evan says. "Not just because of – it's a small deployment. They're going to look at every message going in and out."

It takes Colby a moment to understand what he's getting at. "We can be discreet. We hooked up in a war zone, Evan."

"This isn't like that. It was one thing while I'm – the way things have been – but not like this."

"I don't believe you," Colby says flatly. "This isn't you."

"This is my career," Evan corrects. "I don't want to lose it because one of us said something stupid in an email."

"You're lying." It hurts far more than knowing that Evan's going away into more danger; far more than thinking that Evan might be ending things for the sake of his career. "I thought you didn't lie to me."

Evan flinches like he's been struck. "I'm not lying," he says quietly.

"You're not telling me the truth," Colby corrects. "And you really don't know me if you think I'm going to just – just let this go because of that dumb policy."

Evan drops his head into his hands, a picture of defeat that makes Colby's heart ache. When he finally speaks, it's muffled. "The death toll out there is forty per cent. Higher during contact. I'll be on the frontline again. I can't promise you anything, now."

Colby thinks about all the people he knows still in the service, all the deployments. Nowhere has that high a death toll, especially for pilots. Hell, Evan's not even a fighter pilot. "I don't understand," he says.

"I know." Evan sighs, leaning sideways until his head is against Colby's thigh. "I can't go knowing that you're waiting to hear if I've died."

"I'll always be waiting." Colby drops his hand to Evan's shoulder. "Even if we're not together." He wants to ask when Evan chose the assignment over him, except he doesn't want to know the answer. He doesn't want to risk Evan saying that he'd choose Colby, if Colby asked; he's too scared of what he might do.

"I know," Evan says again. "But it's all I've got."

"So you're breaking up with me for my sake."

Evan shifts, looking right at Colby, his hands on Colby's wrists. He looks broken. "I'm doing it for mine," he says. "Because I'm not ready to leave the Air Force, not yet, and I don't know how much longer that's going to stay true if I stay with you."

It's the closest Colby's ever gotten to hearing a declaration of love from Evan. He hates that it's disguised as a goodbye. "Don't do this," he says.

"I have to." Evan pushes into his space, kisses him fast and hard before Colby can respond. "I have to," he says again, shoving himself away. "I'm sorry, I have to."

The door slams closed behind him. Colby picks up the FBI Academy envelope and turns it in his hands; maybe this will be better.


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