blue flamingos

Five times Sam almost walked away from SG-1

Fandom: Stargate SG1

Category/Rated: Gen, PG

Year/Length: 2009/ ~719 words

Spoilers: spoilers up SGA 5.01 Search and Rescue and SG-1 s10

Disclaimer: No, I don't own them, for which I should think they're profoundly grateful.

Author's Notes: Originally posted to sg1_five_things

Feedback: Yes please. Even if it's bad. Especially if it's bad.

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1.

When she realized that it was the best opportunity she was ever going to get in, but that the only way she'd ever get to fly again would be to give it up. It wasn't like she wanted more than a place on the premier team of a top secret program visiting other planets, it was just that she'd always wanted something else, and maybe she wasn't ready to give that dream up quite yet.

2.

When Daniel came back to them after they'd accepted he was dead and started to move on. She was thrilled to have him back again, of course, more than she'd ever be able to put into words. But one of the basics of her life for as long as she could remember had been that once you died you were gone. She'd wished for different beliefs, sometimes, but at least she'd been able to let go and move on. With Daniel in front of her again, though, she could almost feel the shift in her head to the belief that if he could come back, other people could. And if dead didn't mean dead, with all the people they lost at the SGC, how did anyone ever let anyone else go?

3.

When Janet died, and Cassie slept in Sam's spare room for a week after the funeral, curled up next to her on the couch in the evening and said, "Promise me you're not going to die as well, Aunt Sam. Promise me, please," through tears. There weren't any guarantees that she'd be any safer as a civilian, or even back in the regular Air Force, but it had to be safer, and she'd sworn to Janet that she'd look out for Cassie if anything ever happened. Except that the things that came through the gate, or appeared in the sky, were more dangerous than anything else on Earth, and Sam was one of a very small number of people who could protect people like Cassie from them. And she owed it to Janet's memory to save everyone she could, not just Cassie.

4.

When she woke up in the infirmary after being shot by the Ori soldiers. Not that she could walk away, right then, but the thought of the recovery, the physiotherapy, the sheer struggle just to get up and keep going, was exhausting. She'd given ten years of her life, nearly died more than once, and surely that should be enough? And maybe it would have been, if not for her team, hovering round her bed, bringing her macaroons and books and DVDs, doing their level best to keep her spirits up as though they thought that if they just smiled enough she wouldn't notice how exhausted they looked in turn, the way they all left a Daniel-sized gap that couldn't be filled. They were doing it for her, of course, but they were doing it for themselves as well, trying to hold together, and in the end, she couldn't leave them. Not yet.

5.

When she was pulled back from Atlantis, command taken away from her, and offered her spot on SG1 again. She fumed, for days, at the slight. As if it wasn't bad enough to have her one chance for command taken away from her, just as she was starting to feel at home there. To be offered SG1 again, a gate team member, and not even a team leader, was an insult almost too strong to bear, whatever Landry said about needing her expertise. She took a week's leave and woke up every morning telling herself she wouldn't go back, they could struggle on without her.

And then, on the day she'd meant to call and give her resignation, she put on her uniform instead and went back. Because she wouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing her leave, and because she was still a colonel in the United States Air Force, and a scientist on the stargate program, and she wasn't going to give either of those up in protest. And because, even if wasn't where she should be, she still loved her job, and it still needed her. She'd joined the Air Force to try to save the world, and no-one on any world was going to stop her from doing that.


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